Welcome Back Sandy!

If You're Ever Tempted To Go On Vacation...

2006-09-03T10:17:00.000-07:00

...remember that the people you leave behind at work may really miss you. In their tormented state, wailing and gnashing their teeth and generally pulling out what little hair they have left, they may decide to offer you the type of Welcome Back present that will ensure you'll think twice before ever leaving again.

We may never have the same panache as She Who Throws Balls Of Paper At People, but thought it may be possible to sacrifice the cavernous wide open spaces of her cubicle in such a way to show her how much she is missed. She didn't take her dogs on vacation with her; we only hope they didn't have the same great idea.

Step One

2006-09-03T10:15:00.000-07:00

To fill Sandy's cubicle with wads of paper would have taken weeks of wadding paper. While that would have been more fun than other duties, it might not have been career enhancing. We were pushing that envelope as it was. So, a plan was devised to fill up space in the cubicle using a cushy chair from an open space. You know, one of those chairs that's actually comfortable and placed in a space that no one will ever use it. A show chair. It fit the bill perfectly, and of course no one missed it at all. The chair was placed on its side and covered with a paper quilt handcrafted from a conference room display pad. Eat your heart out Martha.

Step Two

2006-09-03T10:12:00.000-07:00

Once the lovely heirloom quilt was placed over the chair it had to be stretched to the cubicle walls and secured to them tightly enough that a quarter would bounce on the surface. If the seargent's quarter didn't bounce on Sandy's quilt, the entire damn department had to do their quilts over again. Finally, something was mission critical.

Step Three

2006-09-03T10:09:00.000-07:00

The next question was how to make the plastic wrap wall across the cubicle strong enough to hold the crushing pressure of hundreds of thousands of gallons of wadded up paper balls. The combined efforts of a graphing calculator, slide rule, and SpongeBobSquarePants digital watch finally provided the answer: a double layer of plastic wrap, artfully and scientifically compressed under the corners of the cubicle panels using reinforcements of creased dried tree pulp.*

*Sounds better than a paper towel wedgie.

Step Four

2006-09-03T10:02:00.000-07:00

Having designed the double layer plastic wrap paper towel wedgie flying buttress, the highly trained professionals then went to work on installation. With modern technology and the plethora of tools provided to us, what required decades during the construction of LeMans Cathedral or Bath Abbey took only minutes here in the office.

Step Five

2006-09-03T09:58:00.000-07:00

Yes, that glow is six giga-mega-zords of electric pulse. The double layer plastic wrap paper towel wedgie flying buttress wall provides an almost invisible gleam, looking exactly like an electronic prison cel wall in a sci-fi film. Coincidence? I think not. The escapees are actually installing protective devices around Sandy's electronics so that paper wads don't collect all over something warm and make it fall down go boom.

A big recycle bin on rollers, sort of a termite roach coach, provided all the raw material needed to create paper balls.

Step Six

2006-09-03T09:55:00.000-07:00

Despite having filled most of Sandy's cubicle with chairs it still took about two thirds of the contents of the termite's roach coach to make an adequate supply of paper balls. Art of course is entirely subjective, and how exactly "adequate supply" is defined was debated briskly. Our final determination was based on two primary criteria: 1) we were lazy and didn't want to make any more damn paper balls, and 2) she now had an enormous amount of ammunition that would be fired at us, probably for weeks to come.

That guy in front is smiling now; hope he remembers to wear a welding helmet tomorrow morning.

Step Seven

2006-09-03T09:50:00.000-07:00

The lovely Latin Vanna displays the final product as the last paper ball is thrown in from downtown.

We'd like to thank the highly trained professionals that conceived, designed, and built this monument, the two supervisors and two managers who aided and abetted, the many passersby who added paper balls and stunned or disbelieving glances, and the producers, sound engineers, and label executives without whom this album would not have been possible.

OMG!!

2006-09-02T07:12:00.000-07:00

Now What?

2006-09-02T07:11:00.000-07:00

Impact: at first amusement, then disorientation, bewilderment, confusion, and finally a secret thankfullness that she had worn matching white. Her inner fashionista, now Euro-charged, was pleased. Next on the agenda?

REVENGE

2006-09-02T07:09:00.000-07:00

"Vengeance is such a deeply satisfying and ultimately fulfilling emotion. I don't even need to figure out exactly who did this to me; there's enough here for everybody. Everybody!!! Mwwwaa haa haaa haaa!!! Mwwaaa haa haa haaaaa!!! Mwwwaaaa haa haa haa haaaa!!!"